"You’ve got blessings waiting around the corner." (Psalm 24:4-5)

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The amount of time I spend wishing I could have my dream job is increasingly greater than the time I spend doing something to make my dreams a reality. It so easy to talk about doing things in life, and then stare with intimidated eyes at the actual challenge of achieving our loftier goals. My questions has always been: Where do you draw the line between taking action to achieve your dreams AND unrealistically making impulsive decisions that are probably going to be one of those "hinds sight is 20/20" ordeals?

I came across this quote, "Chase down your passion like it's the last bus of the night", again I felt compelled to pursue something greater than "easy street". We often sit and wonder how famous people have gotten where they are today. Isn't that why we have "E True Hollywood Stories"? We are all so damn interested in the lives of those who have chased their dreams to the edge of the Earth and jumped off the edge when the path ran out. Sure, some people were born into magnificent lives, but a great majority of people you know who seem to "have it all", only have it because they believed in the power of their ambitions. they were not constrained by the typically, " odds are". Needless to say, I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines and watching the game, I WANT TO BE IN!


To the right, my dream office. If I could wake up everyday, shut myself in a room similar to this, and work on my latest of several novels, then I definitely wouldn't be posting a blog entry about how tired I am of not taking risks.

Do I think every day would be easy and fun as a writer? NO! Do I expect it to be satisfying all the time? Of course not! But, what I do anticipate, is that it would feel "RIGHT", at any given time. Despite all of the challenges and ups and downs, I believe that if I were to achieve this goal of mine, I would know that I was were I should be, and would find a level of joy in that. Besides, isn't that all what we are looking for? A sense of belonging and understanding of purpose?

Here is the CATCH, there is close to NO WAY that I will magically wake up and all of a sudden be a self sustaining author working in a chic office as such. The road to this "dream" life is certainly going to be bumpy and unpaved, but up until this point, it really hasn't even been PURSUED. I'm sick of wondering "what if", writing a few miscellaneous paragraphs in the "Next Great American Novel", experiencing writers block, doubting my work, and putting it away unsatisfied. It's time to take my dreams by the reigns and make some SENSE out of them! After all, I'm young enough that if I hit a few pot holes along the way, then I have the time and the energy to scout a better route.

I keep remembering the verse: "You’ve got blessings waiting around the corner." (Psalm 24:4-5)

Now let me leave you with this new questions: How often does a corner turn to you? In my experience, it always takes me turning the corner to find the blessings on the other side. IT'S TIME TO WALK.

...and that my Dear was all she wrote...

Worlds Longest Thought!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

"A successful life is one that is lived through understanding and pursuing one's own path, not chasing after the dreams of others."

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me that they hoped I would go back to school and "get that degree", I certainly would be a millionaire without the diploma.

I recently experienced a very humbling moment in my life, the moment I realized that despite a continuous feeling of "goalessness", I do have goals, just not as concrete as acing a test, passing a class, and receiving that piece of paper (excuse me, diploma). Now, before I continued, let me make it clear, in no way shape or form do I feel that going to college and getting a degree is a waste of time and money. Nor do I feel like it is a pointless and fruitless endeavor. More accurately, I feel that going to college is another life choice that should be carefully thought and prayed about, rather than an assumed path in life.

I went to get advised today for school, because I intended to go back this Fall semester. Had I prayed about the degree path I had chosen? yeeeeaaah, Kinda? Had I really sought the Lords plan and purpose for my life? I would like to think so, but not diligently. To put it bluntly and call myself out, I had decided on my own accord that I had a desire to do this career, and in order to do so, I needed to do XYZ, which included going back to school. What was I thinking?

Standing there in the auditorium before going to get advised and register, I became painfully aware of how uneasy I felt to this commitment I was about to make. I began to experience a level of uncertainty that I have never really felt before. I watched the students around me like I was looking into a fish tank, observing, watching. The more I watched, the clearer I could hear a voice telling me, "This is not the plan. This is not your path in life. Stop trying to convince yourself. You aren't fooling me". All I can sum it up to say is that, I feel that the Lord was trying to tell me that school is a closed chapter in my life (at least for the time being). I have other priorities, and I desire something more than I will ever find along this self paved path.


The bible tells us: "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4

I hesitate to say, here is the "catch", as the bible is not trying to deceive you, but here is what we have a hard time understanding as humans, WE don't always know the desires of our OWN hearts. We THINK we know, but thank the LORD (literally) that he doesn't give us the desires we THINK are of our own hearts.

I believed going back to school was a desire of my heart, but I feel that today I was let in on God's vision for my life, where he gave me a peak at what I really desire most. If I was single and had no kids, I believe a desire for an education that could potentially prepare me for a good future, would be likely. But, in my current situation, I desire to be as involved in the life of Caroline right now as possible, while continuing to be able to provide. I don't desire to take time away from our already limited schedule. I don't desire to make a million dollars. I don't desire to have a career that I have invested both time and money into, when my ultimate goal one day is to be "room mom" and "keeper of the cheerios".

I'm often left feeling empty because I feel that I'm not working towards any paricular goal. Most likely because no one is telling me a due date to finish assignments, and having no particular "reward" I'm moving towards. But I am starting to realize that my goals are just DIFFERENT than they used to be. How about making it a goal to finish the book that I always choose to sleep over read. Because no one is telling me I have to, doesn't mean I should just exsist and not accomplish anything. Right?

My brain is way to stimulated right now to continue this post. It has become a huge BLURB of thoughts. More another day. :)

Sorry for the mess! I'll clean it up for ya later.

...and that my dear, was all she wrote...


Thursday, August 18, 2011

It seems like lately everyone has been experiencing some big changes in their lives. I have talked with a lot of people who have either ended a relationship, engagement, marriage, or simply had disputes with people in their lives. Many times, it seems, this leaves the person seeking some sort of closure. Initially, closure sounds like a really logical idea. As humans, we feel that we need some sort of obvious ending, in order to understand that it's time for a new beginning. I can get on board with that. But the more and more I look at this concept, and the more I understand about the dynamics of human relationships, the greater my understanding becomes of that fact that "Closure" is a nice idea, but it's simply not practical.

Do I think that a time of healing is necessary after any ended relationship? Absolutely. Do I think it's okay to go through a period of confusion and uncertainty? Of course! But do I think that wallowing in your doubts until you have a clear point of closure with the person is healthy? No way!

Your happiness can not stem from someone else's actions. You can not wait for a defining moment, that may or may not come for years after an ending, before you realize your value and purpose, and set out again on your journey.

This is all coming from the pain I have watched others struggle through as they await a moment of clarity and definition. It comes from the unease I felt in my own heart during times of transition. This life full of change is hurtful enough. Demanding closure from someone else (who may not even recognize this as a need in your life), is like "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" if you will. Decide to take the closing of a relationship into your own hands! Don't rely on someone else's actions towards you to "seal the deal". This can potentially end in more pain than if you simply lived with the uncertainty forever, as someone else's actions me be hurtful and only prolong your healing.

I leave you with this simple conclusion:

Sometimes in life, it's better

Just to accept who you were,

Recognize who are are,

Realize what you had,

Decide what you want,

Choose to move on, contingent of no one.

-Courtney Surber

...and that my Dear was all she wrote...
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