Worlds Longest Thought!

Thursday, August 25, 2011






"A successful life is one that is lived through understanding and pursuing one's own path, not chasing after the dreams of others."








If I had a dollar for every time someone told me that they hoped I would go back to school and "get that degree", I certainly would be a millionaire without the diploma.





I recently experienced a very humbling moment in my life, the moment I realized that despite a continuous feeling of "goalessness", I do have goals, just not as concrete as acing a test, passing a class, and receiving that piece of paper (excuse me, diploma). Now, before I continued, let me make it clear, in no way shape or form do I feel that going to college and getting a degree is a waste of time and money. Nor do I feel like it is a pointless and fruitless endeavor. More accurately, I feel that going to college is another life choice that should be carefully thought and prayed about, rather than an assumed path in life.





I went to get advised today for school, because I intended to go back this Fall semester. Had I prayed about the degree path I had chosen? yeeeeaaah, Kinda? Had I really sought the Lords plan and purpose for my life? I would like to think so, but not diligently. To put it bluntly and call myself out, I had decided on my own accord that I had a desire to do this career, and in order to do so, I needed to do XYZ, which included going back to school. What was I thinking?





Standing there in the auditorium before going to get advised and register, I became painfully aware of how uneasy I felt to this commitment I was about to make. I began to experience a level of uncertainty that I have never really felt before. I watched the students around me like I was looking into a fish tank, observing, watching. The more I watched, the clearer I could hear a voice telling me, "This is not the plan. This is not your path in life. Stop trying to convince yourself. You aren't fooling me". All I can sum it up to say is that, I feel that the Lord was trying to tell me that school is a closed chapter in my life (at least for the time being). I have other priorities, and I desire something more than I will ever find along this self paved path.





I LEFT. UNADVISED. UNREGISTERED. UN REGRETTABLY.





The bible tells us: "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4





I hesitate to say, here is the "catch", as the bible is not trying to deceive you, but here is what we have a hard time understanding as humans, WE don't always know the desires of our OWN hearts. We THINK we know, but thank the LORD (literally) that he doesn't give us the desires we THINK are of our own hearts.





I believed going back to school was a desire of my heart, but I feel that today I was let in on God's vision for my life, where he gave me a peak at what I really desire most. If I was single and had no kids, I believe a desire for an education that could potentially prepare me for a good future, would be likely. But, in my current situation, I desire to be as involved in the life of Caroline right now as possible, while continuing to be able to provide. I don't desire to take time away from our already limited schedule. I don't desire to make a million dollars. I don't desire to have a career that I have invested both time and money into, when my ultimate goal one day is to be "room mom" and "keeper of the cheerios".









I'm often left feeling empty because I feel that I'm not working towards any paricular goal. Most likely because no one is telling me a due date to finish assignments, and having no particular "reward" I'm moving towards. But I am starting to realize that my goals are just DIFFERENT than they used to be. How about making it a goal to finish the book that I always choose to sleep over read. Because no one is telling me I have to, doesn't mean I should just exsist and not accomplish anything. Right?









My brain is way to stimulated right now to continue this post. It has become a huge BLURB of thoughts. More another day. :)









Sorry for the mess! I'll clean it up for ya later.









...and that my dear, was all she wrote...













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